OK with not being OK.

This Sunday, my soul was ministered to, convicted, and blessed. My husband (worship pastor at Crossway Church) decided to sing, “It is Well” as a closing song. I never expressed this to him, but this is probably my favorite song of all time. The words are so powerful, and the story behind them is so heartbreaking and touching – all at the same time.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

And, Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

The reason why I love this song is because I absolutely struggle to say “It is Well” in my own life.  To be completely honest with you, I wrestle with the sin of discontent every single day. It literally floods my mind and some days, it’s hard to get rid of.

Money money money nicer house new nail polish color more time off did I mention a vacation new camera gear oh wait I need to be better at not being discontent I need to work out I never get anything done why is it raining? why am I not the perfect wife gosh I’ve been at it a year and half money Honda CRV I should really get a manicure etc etc etc etc etc.

It’s shameful.

The man who wrote this (Horatio G. Spafford) lost his wife and 4 daughters… and then found it in his soul to say “It is Well”.  I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that Jimmy and I will have to WAIT to get a CRV (not never get)… and I struggle to say “It is Well”.  Really, what’s wrong with this picture?

Needless to say, I was snapped back into reality and humbled when singing this song on Sunday.  Conviction seeped into my heart and I repented. Over and over.  To be honest, realizing you suck isn’t fun. The more I mull over this, the more I realize the repenting needs to be a daily occurrence because the reality is… sin doesn’t fix itself. And I am incapable of fixing myself. Thankfully, the Lord is up to fixing and renewing ugly human souls.

One thing I heard on Sunday from our head pastor, Jon Elswick, is that as Christians, “We need to be OK with not being OK”. And he went on to explain on having the gumption to admitting that you’re not OK or perfect. How refreshing is that?  I honestly think that needs to be said more often.

This is me, OK with not being OK.